Yeah, I forgot about that. I was so angry with him. [And he'd taken it out on Satoru too, technically. But it wasn't helping, not really. As much as he was trying to act like things were fine, it was just fraying in ways he couldn't really pull back together.]
Only one person in his life has come close to killing him. Seeing that person again, it was fight or flight, and you know Gojo. It's never flight. [ Nanami watches Geto carefully. ]
[ He's not ready to admit that, even if it was true, his hands resting on the edge of counter, gripping it as he closes his eyes again. ] I'm tired already. I'm trying to make things work, to do what's right but all I want to do is the last thing he needs.
And then he goes off and tries to get himself killed again.
[ Tries to get himself killed again. Fear of that loss. It doesn't matter that in Folkmore people come back from the dead. It would still involve him dying. ]
Of course you're tired. You came from a hellish moment, and little time has passed.
[ He sprinkles the dried bonito flakes into one of the pots of boiling water and moves it to the fourth burner. He turns that burner off. ]
What you want isn't healthy for either of you. Keeping him with you at all times will only make things worse.
I'm not keeping him with me all the time, but it's not making anything better either. [He sounds more frustrated than anything else because it's not like this is any of Satoru's doing, it's all his own fucked up head.]
I want him in front of me, I want to mark every part of him so he knows where he should be. I can't turn it off, either and I know there's something wrong with me to want these things.
I know he loves me but it doesn't change what I want."
[ Nanami listens, really listens. He doesn't blink at the urges Geto shares. It's honest and open and vulnerable. ]
Not keeping him with you all the time only means you aren't doing that one thing to make it worse. It's not enough to make it better on its own.
There's healthy and unhealthy ways to want and to carry out those desires. You can't change what you want? Okay, don't focus on that. Focus on how you do it.
That's kink. Safe, sane, and consensual. Maybe it can help you, give you a framework to work with. You don't have to invent the boat while you're drowning.
You talk about what you're both interested in, what you're both willing to try. If he's not interested in exactly what you want, perhaps there's something similar that could satisfy the same itch.
It's worth it to do some reading up in advance, so you aren't hinging all your hopes and expectations on one exact thing.
[ He's quiet for a moment, focusing on the vegetables.] He hasn't really complained yet, but-" They haven't really done anything all th extremem either. Geto exhales a breath.
[ They haven't talked about what they're doing. They're simply going about it like the teenagers they are, fumbling without particular thought, only urges. Nanami is familiar. ]
We're friends, so we have trust between us, but... you don't have to worry about me rejecting you. Even if I did, it wouldn't hurt as much as him rejecting you.
[Nanami has a point there. And honestly, he knows Satoru wants him, even loves him or said he does. But it feels different. He needs Satoru in a way he's not sure how to even communicate.
But Satoru doesn't need him like that. Not that it's a bad thing he doesn't but it does feel like there's a disconnect there.]
Movies, stories, seeing other people's relationships from the outside... they all make it seem that way. It isn't though, not the best relationships.
[ Nanami moves to use the strainer. ]
Can you cut the vegetables? Bite size pieces for the bok choy, keeping the stems and leaf separate. Thin slices at an angle for the white parts of the leeks. Thin sticks for the radishes.
[ The dashi comes through the strainer, clear as it's supposed to be. ]
Even Haibara and I have our disagreements, our differences. We're still working things out again. Neither of us is who we were before.
[ The vegetables are simple enough to handle, Geto focusing on that as he listens. ]
...What do you think of Fushiguro Toji being here. Does he seem like a threat? [Yes he's dangerous but Geto remembers the words he aaid after he'd shot Amanai. That the job was over and he could go.
He hadn't, obviously, although he only knows what he'd been told about events that came later. ]
While I would rather he were not here, I don't believe he's necessarily a threat.
[ Nanami returns the broth to the stove, so he can add the next ingredients. ]
He's a hit man, and no one is going to pay him to kill anyone here. At least, not one of us. He may regain his tools, but so long as we don't give him a bone to pick, I think he'll likely leave us alone.
He's been licking his wounds, yes, but he's had enough time to pick fights if he so wants. He's laying low.
That does make sense, given what else he said after he shot Amanai. [He hasn't talked all that much about those moments.] ...When it happened, she'd just admitted to wanting to keep living her life and...
Well, then he shot her. I guess at least she was happy in her last moment. And then he said the job was done so I could go. But he wasn't supposed to have gotten that far. And then he told me about killing Satoru and I lost it." And that was his last memory of home.
[ Nanami's head drops, as he hears about Amanai wanting to live. That makes it harder. That makes it so much harder. It was always terrible, but a young girl living versus dying. ]
Of course you lost it. It's Gojo. I'd have done the same if it were Haibara. If it were a person, not a curse.
[ He couldn't let the curse keep Haibara's body. He had to bring him home. That wasn't something usually a concern with people. It had driven him and saved his life. ]
She looked so happy in that moment. [ He admits, setting the knife down as he takes a breath. ]
She was reaching out her hand and then she was gone, just lying there in front of me. I didn't even have time to move. She didn't suffer, at least, but that doesn't really make it better. I did the same thing everyone else did and left it on Satoru's shoulders. I let my guard down and she died. Maybe if I'd stayed and backed him up, she would have been able to live.
Then she never knew. She got to be happy. [ Similar to Haibara in many ways. ]
Maybe. Possibly. You don't know. You had civilians with you who needed to be protected.
[ Nanami hadn't been there that day. Though he'd flown back to Tokyo, he hadn't gone straight back to school. ]
Where was everyone else? Why didn't they react? Why do they never learn?
They put it all on your shoulders, you and Gojo. You made the best calls you could as a team. You didn't leave everything to him. You took her, and you didn't have reason to think he'd find you so fast. You were protecting her from the merger that moment.
You can't change what happened. You can't change feeling some guilt, but it's not all on your shoulders. Not even just the two of you. Know that.
He has no cursed energy so he just walked in. I don't think they knew he
was involved because we thought it was just the two groups after her. I
could have insisted we fly back the day before from Okinawa because Satoru
hadn't let his ability go that whole time.
But I didn't even really try. I should have done that. We would have been
in a better place to fight if I had.
We could discuss all that. It's more what ifs and maybes and possiblys, Geto. You were being hunted by a professional, and it shows. That's the point.
Right now, with where you are mentally, this analysis does not help you. It hurts you. It drives the guilt deeper inside you. So I am asking you to stop, both with me and with yourself. Set these thoughts aside whenever you notice them. [ Nanami sets his hand on Geto's arm to get his full attention. ]
[ His grip tightens slightly on Geto's shoulder, but Nanami doesn't let himself turn away. Nor does he voice the words Gojo didn't even die. Because Gojo readily could have. ]
I didn't have anyone helping me out after I left. Any guidance. Any help. It took me too long even to try to do that. At the very least, you can start trying now.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Yes. He apologized a couple of days ago. We talked a little about Fushiguro Toji.
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Yeah, Satoru tried to kill him.
Again.
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I know. I broke up the fight.
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He doesn't think.
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You were scared you'd lose him again.
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And then he goes off and tries to get himself killed again.
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Of course you're tired. You came from a hellish moment, and little time has passed.
[ He sprinkles the dried bonito flakes into one of the pots of boiling water and moves it to the fourth burner. He turns that burner off. ]
What you want isn't healthy for either of you. Keeping him with you at all times will only make things worse.
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I want him in front of me, I want to mark every part of him so he knows where he should be. I can't turn it off, either and I know there's something wrong with me to want these things.
I know he loves me but it doesn't change what I want."
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Not keeping him with you all the time only means you aren't doing that one thing to make it worse. It's not enough to make it better on its own.
There's healthy and unhealthy ways to want and to carry out those desires. You can't change what you want? Okay, don't focus on that. Focus on how you do it.
That's kink. Safe, sane, and consensual. Maybe it can help you, give you a framework to work with. You don't have to invent the boat while you're drowning.
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"And if he's not interested?"
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You talk about what you're both interested in, what you're both willing to try. If he's not interested in exactly what you want, perhaps there's something similar that could satisfy the same itch.
It's worth it to do some reading up in advance, so you aren't hinging all your hopes and expectations on one exact thing.
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"Why is it so easy to talk to you and not him?"
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We're friends, so we have trust between us, but... you don't have to worry about me rejecting you. Even if I did, it wouldn't hurt as much as him rejecting you.
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But Satoru doesn't need him like that. Not that it's a bad thing he doesn't but it does feel like there's a disconnect there.]
I thought it'd just be easier.
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[ Nanami moves to use the strainer. ]
Can you cut the vegetables? Bite size pieces for the bok choy, keeping the stems and leaf separate. Thin slices at an angle for the white parts of the leeks. Thin sticks for the radishes.
[ The dashi comes through the strainer, clear as it's supposed to be. ]
Even Haibara and I have our disagreements, our differences. We're still working things out again. Neither of us is who we were before.
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...What do you think of Fushiguro Toji being here. Does he seem like a threat? [Yes he's dangerous but Geto remembers the words he aaid after he'd shot Amanai. That the job was over and he could go.
He hadn't, obviously, although he only knows what he'd been told about events that came later. ]
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[ Nanami returns the broth to the stove, so he can add the next ingredients. ]
He's a hit man, and no one is going to pay him to kill anyone here. At least, not one of us. He may regain his tools, but so long as we don't give him a bone to pick, I think he'll likely leave us alone.
He's been licking his wounds, yes, but he's had enough time to pick fights if he so wants. He's laying low.
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Well, then he shot her. I guess at least she was happy in her last moment. And then he said the job was done so I could go. But he wasn't supposed to have gotten that far. And then he told me about killing Satoru and I lost it." And that was his last memory of home.
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Of course you lost it. It's Gojo. I'd have done the same if it were Haibara. If it were a person, not a curse.
[ He couldn't let the curse keep Haibara's body. He had to bring him home. That wasn't something usually a concern with people. It had driven him and saved his life. ]
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She was reaching out her hand and then she was gone, just lying there in front of me. I didn't even have time to move. She didn't suffer, at least, but that doesn't really make it better. I did the same thing everyone else did and left it on Satoru's shoulders. I let my guard down and she died. Maybe if I'd stayed and backed him up, she would have been able to live.
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Maybe. Possibly. You don't know. You had civilians with you who needed to be protected.
[ Nanami hadn't been there that day. Though he'd flown back to Tokyo, he hadn't gone straight back to school. ]
Where was everyone else? Why didn't they react? Why do they never learn?
They put it all on your shoulders, you and Gojo. You made the best calls you could as a team. You didn't leave everything to him. You took her, and you didn't have reason to think he'd find you so fast. You were protecting her from the merger that moment.
You can't change what happened. You can't change feeling some guilt, but it's not all on your shoulders. Not even just the two of you. Know that.
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He has no cursed energy so he just walked in. I don't think they knew he was involved because we thought it was just the two groups after her. I could have insisted we fly back the day before from Okinawa because Satoru hadn't let his ability go that whole time.
But I didn't even really try. I should have done that. We would have been in a better place to fight if I had.
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Right now, with where you are mentally, this analysis does not help you. It hurts you. It drives the guilt deeper inside you. So I am asking you to stop, both with me and with yourself. Set these thoughts aside whenever you notice them. [ Nanami sets his hand on Geto's arm to get his full attention. ]
Will you do that, please?
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I didn't have anyone helping me out after I left. Any guidance. Any help. It took me too long even to try to do that. At the very least, you can start trying now.
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